A Hidden Message

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A few weeks ago we had a songwriting retreat through my school. We went to the YMCA in Winter Park, Snow Mountain Ranch. It’s a familiar place to me because I’ve spent two summers working there while doing a summer program with the Navigators. One morning on our retreat, we went to a clearing and outdoor chapel called Columbine Point that overlooks a valley. 

We had a few minutes to think quietly to ourselves and just pay attention to our sensory input; visually, aurally, etc. And as I looked towards the aspen grove to my left, I was reminded of a time four years ago when I wandered in there. Unable to stay away, I followed a ghost of myself to the same place I wandered four years earlier.

  It was a very different feeling, because in my memory, the sky was clear, the sun was up, and there was a cool breeze. Now the ground was cold with a thin layer of snow that had dusted the ground the night before. Now, I was in the same place, four years older, trying to uncover a memory beneath layers of dusted snow. I remember enjoying the day, smiling at the weather and beauty of where I was, and content with some sort of revelation I had received. Some sort of truth that I needed to know, that I wanted to remember. To solidify it in my brain, I decided to carve it into a tree stump I had seated myself on. Actually, it wasn’t a stump, it was an entire tree trunk that had fallen over at some point. I knew that this carving wouldn’t last, and that I didn’t even know how long that tree would be there since it was dead and its roots unearthed, but I knew carving it would at least allow me to remember it, carved, permanent, somewhere. I didn’t have a pocket knife or anything sharp to use except my pen, and I think I even colored in the text I was writing. The memory seemed so clear, everything about the moment and the day. I remember dried tears on my face. I remember the feeling of contentedness, of resting on something that seemed permanently true. And now, I can’t remember what it was. It was like there was a message that I knew I needed to remember, that was so close within my grasp, so vague in my memory but so present. And yet, I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t rediscover it. I made fresh footprints in the snow and walked around, searching for some sort of hint or reminder. I even wondered if it might still be there. I saw what looked like the same tree, enormous, hedged in by several branches sticking out from all directions, but it was covered in a wet layered of snow. 

 Even if it was the same tree, my message would be buried under the snow, and also under four years worth of deterioration. Would it even be legible? Unwilling to frantically destroy the beauty of the scene before me, I decided not to dig physically, only mentally. And I couldn’t retrieve what I was looking for. Hadn’t I written it down somewhere in my journal? Could the message really be irretrievable?

            Discouraged, and even more lost than I was when first walking into the aspens, I made my way towards a trail leading back to the clearing.

  Finally, it was nice to walk on a solid path instead of the overgrown and unlevel grass that was soaking my shoes with moisture from the snow. As I looked down, I found dozens of little spurs that had caught on my jeans, jacket, and sleeves. 

 Just typical, I thought to myself. An exact metaphor for how I was feeling. I was looking for a message I needed to tell myself, something I was saving for myself, and when I go searching, I come out empty-handed with spurs from my search. And one by one I had to pick them off. Oh perfect metaphor. It is time for me to pick off one by one the spurs that I have collected over the years and continue to search for the truth I needed to remember. I know it’s in me somewhere. I wrote it once, so I knew it once. How lost could it really be? And as lost as I might have felt then, how lost could I really be? How knows me better than me?

            Somehow, this experience really jossled me. But it also reminded me that I do have a past, worth examining. That I know things that I’ve forgotten, and it’s worth searching for.

Plus, the view from inside the aspen grove is very different than the view from the outside. Can you believe how beautiful that is? Just like, my perspective from four years ago is very different than now. And in that sense, I can be sure that someday, things that don't make sense will connect together in the context of a bigger picture.

I looked in my journal from that summer and I couldn't find anything about what I carved into that tree. But I feel confident that somewhere in there, I know what I'm supposed to know. And at the right time, it will come to mind.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it. Isaiah 30:21

White OR Black Sheep Dilemna

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I’ve experienced being one in a million: every day when I walk through the streets of  downtown Denver to go to school, every time I step onto a public bus full of all different kinds of people, even sitting at a coffee shop or in the library. Even though every person is different from each other, no one seems to really stand out…most of the time. But I’ve also been the black sheep before. When I went to a small rural town in Africa called Lira, me and my 12 friends were the only white people there, and everyone stopped dead in their tracks in the town square to watch us when we arrived—setting down wheel-barrels of goods to sell at the market, and unabashedly observing us with mouth agape and eyes bewildered.

Going to the Durango Songwriter’s EXPO the weekend before last, I didn’t know which position I would be in. I think every first-year Durango songwriter almost expects to be the exception—to be the black sheep that the industry has been waiting for and that stands out among the others. I saw many people who seemed to be in that boat, only to find that when their song was over, the clapping audience was full of appreciative, yet competitive songwriters who also hoped to stand out.

I can’t say I didn’t wonder how I would be received there, but I’m also a realist. I knew who was going, and I knew I wasn’t going to be the best. I heard that the Durango environment is full of songwriters who are eager to co-write, enthused to network, and unconditionally accepting and supportive of each other. Even still, I doubted if underneath that supportive façade there wasn’t a competitive side of the Expo I didn’t know about. Would I be just another face among the crowd?

Going into an expo where you get the opportunity to play your music for industry professionals: publishers, label representatives, and supervisors, can be an intimidating experience, and also a sobering one. I know several people who have walked away from the conference feeling golden, inspired, and motivated, while many others leave discouraged, rejected, and dismayed. It’s only to be expected that when one gets in the company of so many incredible songwriters, they could respond by feeling creatively inspired or jealously underappreciated.

Without any realistic expectations, I showed up hoping to glean whatever morsels of wisdom I could from this experience, whether it be good, bad or ugly. I brought two semi-final mixes: Autumn Song and Evermore True, and high hopes for being organized enough to make the most of this opportunity. I assumed the position of a white sheep, and almost immediately sensed that I was actually in the company of all black sheep—each songwriter was so talented and unique, and I felt like I could appreciate every one of them for who they were, no matter what the professionals said. If anything, it showed me a whole new perspective on the mainstream industry and how it functions.

On Wednesday night, there was a “Meet & Greet” at the Walnut Room for the Expo, which was an open mic where people could get to know each other. I came with a few friends from school and didn’t even to expect to get on the list because we were late. Somehow, they pushed me in between a few people and low and behold, it was well received! Because of that performance, they invited me to play in the Thursday night showcase, an honor I never expected.

See a video of the performance here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyPeSlBDf9o

Thursday was check-in night and after the showcase, songwriters swarmed the hallways and lobby areas, eager to start co-writing and sharing their songs until early into the morning, and this didn’t stop until the weekend was officially over Sunday morning. I sensed that these songwriters were genuinely jazzed to be in the company of so many creative geniuses. Throughout the day Friday and Saturday, I alternated between three listening sessions and workshops with professionals in the industry. Feeling somewhat like an outsider looking in, I gaining tid-bits of knowledge and insight that gave me a wider perspective into the industry and what they’re looking for, which made me consider where I want to go next with music.

Most of all, it helped me to realize there are two very different music worlds co-existing right now. Artists can choose to be mainstream and join the radio culture of writing hit-songs, which are very specific: form, hook, memorable melody, and catchy chorus. Or, artists can be innovative, unique, and creative, expressing themselves freely but risking never being noticed or “successful” in the most generic sense. Every artist has that choice: to fit in or stand apart. Few can be both mainstream and innovative, but Bon Iver is a classic example of someone who was only out to be creative and do his own thing, yet ended up with a Grammy! My next EP is kind of a hybrid: taking songs that don’t have a traditional form, and don’t necessarily have all of the traditional components, but are produced in a more mainstream way. I'm not sure what's next, but if it's possible, I'd love to hybrid the mainstream and the innovative.

No matter what, I will always strive to be authentic and creative. I was amazed that although my songs are not the specific hit-songs they are looking for, they were still surprisingly well-received, so maybe there’s hope for me yet. I got very minimal negative comments, and everything I heard was constructive and will help me move forward in my songwriting in the future. Black sheep or white sheep, I found myself in the company of so many incredible artists and supportive friends, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience, and I can’t wait to continue networking and collaborating with them in the near future.

I can’t wait to finish the EP and share it with you. Keep up with my progress on my Facebook page: www.facebook.com/kaianutting and look out for my EP when it is released November 8^th!

A Work In Progress

I don’t know why, or where it comes from, but I have always had a personal obsession with completion. Is it just me? I don’t know where it comes from—society, our human nature, the American philosophy—but I think we all somewhat seek that, for endings and no lose ends. We all really want things to feel settled.

But isn’t there beauty in the process? Someone I just met reminded me that life is a journey to which you never arrive. And if you think of it is a journey, you’re not disappointed by not “arriving.”

I don’t know about you, but for me the summer flew by! I thought by the end I’d have so much “completed,” but one season really just transitions into the next and life doesn’t stop. This summer, I hoped to experience what post-grad life would be like: to work part-time and do my music outside of that. I didn’t realize I had made expectations for myself until they were broken. And I knew it would be a learning process, but I thought by the end of the summer, I would have “arrived.” But the biggest thing I realized is that I am still a work in progress. And I still have so much to learn.

I had three major goals this summer to move forward in: putting media online, performing regionally, and recording my EP! I did move forward in all of these areas, but not nearly in the ways that I had expected. And in a way that is beautiful, because even though I didn’t end up where I thought I would, I learned so much along the way. Here are some highlights from my summer!

Performances

I started out the summer by making an exhaustive list of open mics in the major cities of Colorado—Denver, Boulder, Fort Collins, Colorado Springs, Littleton, and various mountain towns. And I never made it to all of them, but I narrowed it down. Some of my favorites were The Stargazer’s Theater in the Springs, Connor O’Neill’s in Boulder, Swallow Hill and Pickin’ On Tennyson in Denver, Cannon Mine Coffee in Lafayette, and Highland’s Cork in Denver. In just a few weeks, I established connections that gave me opportunities throughout the summer to perform and network.

Check out some YouTube Videos from Pickin' On Tennyson here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AY93v_c4CBE

At Swallow Hill, I met Stina Lan who introduced me to a producer she was interning for and visited a few open mics with me (she is awesome! Check her out: http://www.facebook.com/StinaLan). I also met Steve Rothenberg, who is an incredibly talented guitarist and composer, and who recruited me to play at Blueberries Coffee Shop in Littleton a few times, including last Friday! I met Calvin Weatherall at Pickin’ on Tennyson’s open mic and got invited to play at the Freedom Festival—which was interrupted by only a minor flash flood…it was unforgettable J. I also got invited to join the Songwriters Circle at Christ Covenant Community Church with Pete Buchwald and Ben Rogers (Ben is ridiculous, Check it out: www.facebook.com/benrogers)!

But my favorite performance this summer was at the Erie Farmer’s Market. Plus, everyone gave me free stuff for playing! Hehe. Everyone seemed so grateful for my music that day and gave me a bunch of free produce—I got an iris bulb, a fresh golden delicious apple, and an opportunity for a private gig.

First Presbyterian Church of Boulder allowed me to use their sanctuary and amazing sound system to pre-release several songs from my new CD with a full band of my talented friends, Joe Cutshall (I loove his music! http://www.facebook.com/joecutshallmusic ) Conor DeFehr and David Barnes!) and so much good promo and media came from that—plus we rocked the house! I also played the Oriental Theater later the same evening through a crazy turn of events!

But in between shows, I met two homeless men outside of the church and I think it changed my life. I played them a few of my songs, and it was the first time someone saw through my music and into my soul. The words they spoke and prayed over me were life-changing. My goal with my songs is truly to change lives, and one man in particular, Onesimus, showed me that through my music, I can both minister and encourage others with what I do.

One of the best parts of the summer was definitely the UMS Music Festival! On Friday, I volunteered at the Skylark Lounge, and on Saturday at the Irish Rover. On Sunday, I got to see my friends perform, including Megan Burtt and JJ Mattot and the Artic, plus awesome performers like Nathaniel Rateliff and Rob Drabkin. It was unforgettable. I met so many awesome people from super talented artists to local industry professionals and got to enjoy so many diverse local bands.

Recording

The other biggest part of my summer has been working on my upcoming EP release! “Come Running Back” will be officially available on October 26^th for pre-release! I’m so excited! I spent a lot of the beginning of the summer working over the forms of the songs, chords and lyrics with Pete Buchwald (Check him out: http://www.myspace.com/cafeep ). He’s a recording professor from the University of Colorado Denver with incredible producing and songwriting skills who is helping me with this project. We narrowed down the strongest songs and talked over the production, then hired three out-of-this-world local Denver musicians to play on the project: Daren Hahn on drums, Bijoux Barbosa on bass, and Brian Monroney on electric guitar. They knocked my songs out of the park and it was so rewarding to hear my music with their professional and personal touch. We’re now adding the final layers, editing, and mixing it, and can’t wait to bring the first draft to the Durango Songwriters Expo the first weekend of October.

Media

By divine providence, I met an incredibly talented videographer, Claire Kigger (props girl!), who volunteered to shoot a promo video while I was recording at Colorado Sound the next day! We have some awesome footage, and I’m so excited to release the album trailer to you soon!

I’ve also been interning for Megan Burtt and learned so much about using online mediums, services, and social media in an effective way. If you haven’t heard of her, check out her Facebook, she is an awesome role model and beyond talented songwriter (http://www.facebook.com/meganburtt).

Fun

And what about fun?! I did work a lot, but I made it out to Philadelphia with my Mom for a weekend to visit my grandparents, and found myself at the cutest east coast farm stand ever! Check out more photos on my flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/84423818@N03/

I lounged at the People’s Fair 2012 and saw the amazing and ever-inspiring Olivia Reudeen (http://www.facebook.com/oliviarudeen), went to an awesome film showing of Forks Over Knives catered by The Water Course, went to a beautiful wedding in Flagstaff, AZ, and ran a half-marathon in Steamboat! Oh ya, and did I mention I ran the Boulder Bolder in a pink tutu with Special Olypmics?! Way to start it out right! Now I’m just hitting the books in my last year of school.

All things considered, it was a pretty productive summer. I learned that I’m still learning, and I’m ready to keep learning, and to keep pushing forward. I’m still a work in progress—I will always be, but I hope to see the beauty in the process until I find myself at completion.

Keep an eye out for the upcoming release, and enjoy the lingering summer. :)

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens: 

        a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

       a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build, 

       a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance, 

       a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

       a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

       a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak, 

       a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

Lessons from the Past

Reliving some "glory days" from our trip to France and Estonia from Summer 2005, when I was still in high school. It was the summer I became a vegetarian! Right before this trip, I picked up a million free pamphlets from PETA at the Warped Tour, and read them right before a huge BBQ rib dinner my Dad made the night before our trip. I was never the same. I spent the two weeks we were travelling trying to decide if I had the will-power to call myself a vegetarian and really live it out with conviction…but by the end, I realized it had already chosen me, and what was done was done. I haven’t wanted meat since.

The whole trip I was also obsessed with capturing the beauty I saw, and most of the photographs I took couldn’t even compare to the real-life. For us, this trip was especially meaningful because it was the first time my brother and I had ever seen Estonia, where my grandmother grew up and narrowly escaped during World War 2 to eventually meet my grandfather in Germany before they returned to America. Estonia is where I got my name, and I am a third generation Kaia in my family. 

It's amazing to look back and see not only who I was, but traces of who I've become so far, and who I am still becoming. When I took these photo, I was just using my natural eye, and following my heart. I didn't know how to edit, and the beauty for me was in the memory. Now, the memory is coming to life as I'm able to see it in a new light, and see my old self in a new light as well. Tracing through these photographs, I remember every moment; where we were, what we were doing, how I felt…and that impresses me! So grateful that a few of these shots turned out to be gems. Here they are for you to enjoy also!

See more on my flickr page.

You will have these tassels to look at and so you will remember all the commands of the LORD Numbers 15:39