Friday, December 16, 2011

Day 7,916

"We only have one chance to live every day. And once it comes and goes, it’s gone...And the countdown is unstoppable."

So I was thinking, what if today I found out how many days I have left to live, and what if it wasn’t many? It sounds morbid, but what if I found out I had terminal cancer. Or what if I found out I wouldn’t get sick, but in a certain number of days, I would get in a fatal car-wreck. Of course, everyone thinks about this every once in a while.

Because everyone wants to live every day as if it is their last. And at the same time, no one wants to actually think about the end. It’s so much easier to think what if this was the end—to think about it knowing it’s not a reality, because then we don’t have to take it seriously, it’s just a fantasy. When I consider what I would do, I think to myself, I would drop out of school and I would spend as much time as possible with people, or maybe I’d still go to school, but it wouldn’t be the school that was important. It’s as if all my responsibilities would just disappear and I could do whatever I want, but I’m not sure that would be the case. We wouldn’t suddenly lose all of our responsibilities—no one plans for that kind of news. We would just be forced to prioritize them. And this makes me think, not how would I react if I found out I was going to die soon, but how would I spend my time, and what would become important.


Because if I knew I had a limited time on Earth, it’s not that my priorities would change, because what’s not already important to me that would become important if I knew my life would be ending soon? I think I know what’s important, and I don’t think I need a life-threatening situation to discover it. The difference is, if I really found out that I only had a limited time left to live, I would have to decide what is unimportant.


"The difference is, if I really found out I only had a limited time left to live, I would have to decide what is unimportant."

And it’s funny to think that prioritizing would only be relevant if we were aware of the life countdown that is happening regardless of our knowledge of it. We know that no one can escape death, and sometimes, I think we’d rather just not think about it. But if I found out I was going to die soon, I wouldn’t want to waste any more time, I would want to do something worthwhile. And I don’t know what I’m waiting for. Because most people don’t get a warning. We only have one chance to live every day. And once it comes and goes, it’s gone. Irrevocable. No mulligans. And the countdown is unstoppable.


So what would I do if I found out which day would be my last.

I would get away from everyone for a few days, maybe even before I told them. I would get completely alone for several days, and I would think. I would think about what is important to me and how I should use what time I have left. I would deliberate. I would search for my values. I would probably cry and come to terms with the reality. And I would probably have to let go of many things and accept the reality that I can’t change. And along with that, I would be forced to ask, not only what is important, but what is the point? What is the point of our lives. Of my life.

But why would we wait to ask that until we are forced to? Why would I waste even a moment?

I don’t want to waste anymore time floating. I don’t want to waste any more time getting by. I don’t want to waste any more time looking for the next big thing, for the next beginning or end. I don’t want to waste any more time at all.

So today, I want to start seeking the answers to those questions, and I want to start counting.

Today was day 7,916. Tomorrow, 7,917. And it won’t be a waste.

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
Psalm 90:12